So yesterday Isaac fell down the stairs, and then had a bad seizure. I’m so thankful for the children God gave me. Chloe (10) was a huge blessing in getting me the phone for 911, then gathering what I would need to take with me. John (8) was incredible as he stayed out of the way, but close, praying out loud as I was on the phone with 911.
Once again I found myself pleading with God for Isaac’s life as he went still, turned blue and was limp. I’m so thankful that Jesus makes intercession for us because the only thing I could offer up at that point was a broken "Please, Jesus" repeatedly.
After an eternity it seemed, Isaac started breathing again, DH walked in the door, the ambulance came.
They took us to our local hospital; they ran an IV and bloodwork while they set it up to transfer us to McMaster Children’s Hospital.
There they monitored him and did a head CT scan. He was awake at that point, and if you know Isaac, you’ll know it was God who kept him still for the test!
His CT showed no bleeding on the brain and when comparing it to his previous MRI’s, it looked normal.
We are home. Isaac is back to his usual self.
And now I sit and think about how many times I’ve stood beside Isaac, begging God for his life, and how many times God has so graciously answered my plea with a yes. Because He is good. But one of these days, He may answer differently. Because He is good.
When talking to my dad several years ago, I confessed that ever since his birth and the crazy weeks that followed, I’ve always had this feeling that I wouldn’t get to keep Isaac.
During a particularly hard 6 months (spring 2013), based on the results of his MRI compared to previous ones, we were given a diagnosis and told Isaac would not live past childhood. We did the blood testing to confirm, however, the results take about 6 months! After they told me, I came home and cried. I had a hard time getting out of bed and functioning for the next day or so. Thankfully my parents happened to be staying with us at the time, so that helped. One morning I was reading my bible and I just flipped open (don’t you love it when God does that?) and it fell to the story of the fiery furnace.
17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.
18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.
As I read Daniel 3:18 the first three words of the verse jumped out at me: "But if not". And I struggled to wrap my heart around that. Knowing that God absolutely CAN but that if He doesn’t heal my child, what will I do? Can I really leave it up to Him then trust Him if He calls my child home? Or never gives us a diagnosis? Or never…(insert what you will here). For myself, if I were to have an idol in my life, it would be my kids. I sure do love them.
Maybe 2013 was a bit of an Abraham moment because shortly after my heart was finally able to acknowledge the "but if not" in a broken-hearted and submissive way, the test came back negative. {Have you ever heard the Faithmen Quartet sing When I Lay My Isaac Down? When I heard this at church in the spring, this time in my life was exactly what I thought about!}
I won’t pretend to have it all together, or that I know anything about what it feels like to lose a child. Neither are true. But I know what it looks like in my life to constantly give my children to the Lord over and over. I know what it feels like to want God’s will for child’s life, and beg for my own will at the same time. And I know that afterwards, in the quiet moments, I wonder how I can be so easily distracted and consumed by the things in this life that really don’t matter. I’m reminded that I don’t know how long I have. I want to make my moments count for eternity.
Hug your loved ones and have a beautiful day.
